Selfishness

There are times when I feel like I hate myself…

I hate myself when I realize that in my in my own efforts to achieve great things for my own self, in attempts to make my own dreams come true in my own unrealistic fairy world, till that I’ve let the special people in my life suffer…

Like when I become self-center, and start to hold on to my own life assuming that they are hanging on just fine, while in fact they are not. It’s embarrassing to accept that fact that they always show up when I need them, but I am not there for them when they need me, just because I am occupied doing my own thing in my own stupid world. I am an evil…

I hate myself for not being able to be someone they see, to be everything they want me to be, and most importantly I hate myself for being so selfish that I kinda take people for granted. Like when I love myself kind of too much till that I overlook the importance of those who love me for who I am, and end up forgetting to remind myself that if tomorrow, they are not around, my whole world would cease to exist…

I feel sorry for them, and I feel sorry for myself. Even the ways I write also sound selfish… I just don’t deserve their loves and care for me at all, I really don’t. I wish I could give them more of myself, and I wish I could stop myself from being so selfish.

Sometimes I feel like I care for people kinda too much until I got hurt to see my love and care I have for them left unappreciated, but still, life is fooling me around. For once I am the one to care for them, and for once I am the one to neglect their loves for me. Kinda funny =,=

For All That I Know

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep...

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbows will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true...

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're feeling small
Alone in the night you whisper
Thinking no one can hear you at all

You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know, tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come... true...

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The songs caught your attention drawing your inspiration to its extreme. You listen to it as if you've never heard it before while,in fact, it is the the song to be found from you most favorite fairy tale movie ever since now... and then... =)

There is something special about fairy tale, don't you think? and yeah, this is probably part of the reason why I am into fairy tale this much.

I'm awake still in the middle of the night... the gentle cold breeze blows against my sensitive body... It is raining cats and dogs outside with occasional threatening crawling thunder =) Well, Lots of thing come across my mind at this point of time... , *updated* but well, nth in particular :) Just listen to the rythm of the falling rain, and feel like writing something for fun ^ ^ feeling so cool and very sentimental, meh :P *Princess Levian, this makes more sense, doesn't it? *beating eyelashes* :P *

Imperial Awards Nomination!

I got nominated for this fabulous Butterfly fairy Award, and followed by the Rose Blogger Award, cool eh? ^ ^ Thank you so much Princess Levian for the Butterfly Award, Cutie Huan Lui for the Rose Award. So, I'd like to officially announce the 10 following nominees in alphabetical order *not biased* for these 2 awards simutaneously, heh heh...


+ Princess Angela- a sweet talented princess who just got her lovely poodle as a pet named Angel. She mostly blogs about her every day lifestyles ^ ^

+ Princess BB Yin- an adorable princess who is fond of collecting PINKY things, esp Disney Princess stuffs ^ ^ a one bubbly young princess whose dream is to come true. *hug*

+ Che Che Chobits- A one sweet loving and caring person and her realization of her dream world ^ ^ She is my beloved sister as well ^ ^

+ Princess Elena- a one cute honest princess who isn't afraid to let the world know what she feels inside, a friend whom I treasure on blog, and has now become my friend in real life ^ ^ Cool, eh? ^ ^

+ Huan Lui- a very nice and friendly young blogger indeed. *@Huan Lui: Hey babe? Sorry, I broke your rule, but it is ok, isn't it? heh heh... *

+ Princess Levian- Once you go and view her blog and get to know her better, I'm afraid you would need to get yourself an antidote if you wanna stop reading her blog lol... Er... BTW, Princess? Is that ok to nominate you for this award again? I can't help not to have you in my butterfly fairy friends cycle ^ ^

+ Princess Mei Mei- a talented young princess, and her blog is filled with love, check out ^ ^

+ Little Pika- a lovely little girl in high school, a huge fan of Korean songs and drama ^ ^

+ Princess Rasita- a new fairy tale blogger who has been constantly waiting for her fairy god mother just like me lol...

+ Princess Wendy BB- a one cute princess with a pinky blog, and so go at drawing adorable cartoon characters ^ ^

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Glad to have you all as friends! *hug...s*
Love,
Barbie

My Once Upon a Time...

For all the time that people came over and asked me; "How do I manage to live my life laughing and smiling all the time? How come I never happen to get upset and end up the rest of my day frowning and feeling so blue as they do?

For all the time that you all see me as a happy-go-lucky person, and for all the time that you all tell me how much you wish to be like me, a very blessed, close to perfect person. You must be mistaken, I'm afraid.

Each and every time I begin to look over myself, I find it hard to answer those question you uttered because I am not that someone you thought I was. I am just who I am... an ordinary girl with heart that can also feel both happiness and agony just like yours do. It is sad to accept the truth, simply because truth hurts. but well, if thing is supposed to be this way, I don't think we can possibly turn it otherwise.

Everyday, I can wear this pretending smile to ensure everyone and the whole world that I am hanging on just fine... I don't wanna burden those whom I care a lot for to listen to all my nonsense craps. However, I finally realize... realize that the more I try to suppress these gist irrational sadness and lonesomeness of mine, the bigger and the greater it surfaces. realize... that the harder I wanna escape from it, the more overwhelming and the feeling of being so lost it put me through.


I have a once upon a time that I can never forget. The time that I share everything I feel inside to those whom I love and love me back the same way, but sadly to say, it is just a once upon a time. A fairy tale story book for me to read myself, and see how much my life has changed over time, from that moment upto now, when I am writing this self-pity entry down.

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I've been thinking all along that this is my journal, and I am able to write whatever things that pop up on my mind whether it sounds ridiculous or not. At least, it is better than acting as everything is perfectly alright while in fact it is not.

Good nite for now...

More Than a Dream...

" I've always dreamed
That my life could be
Like a fairy-tale
A perfect fantasy...

Every day a new adventure...
On some undiscovered shore
Was it nothing more
Than a dream?

Then one magic night
With a single dance
I found more than just a storybook romance
And for once my life was perfect
[...]
And it was so much more than a dream...
So much more than a dream...

I could say it never happened
Just a dream from the start
But then
I'd live my life
With a broken heart...

[...]
If there's any chance to set things right
I've simply got to try
So I'll trust my heart
What else can I do?

I can't live in dreams
If my dreams are to come true
There's a better life that's waiting...
Past the mountains I must climb
I will take a chance on life
to get my once upon a time...

Oh, I want so much more
So much more...
Than a dream......"

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There's a small phrase mentioned in the Perfect Horoscope about me which I came across the other day. It goes like " She expects a lot and nearly too much lol... Don't ask her what is her ultimate contentment for she will not have an answer lol..."

To me right now,

+ I don't know what I truly wanna be,
+ I don't know where my passion goes,
but I DO know that I don't wanna be misguided by any unrealistic thingys =,=

How much I wish I could stop dreaming =,= but I can never do it =,= and which is why my dream is to be continued... =|

Reflection

Look at me
I will never pass for a perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
can it be
I'm not meant to play this part?
Now I see
That if I were truly
To be myself
[...]

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight
Back at me?
Why is my reflection someone
I don't know?

Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside...

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I accept the fact that I am an emotional *over dramatic* girl. I do not mind what people think about me. What I know is that I am happy Just to be Who I am, and I am proud to be ME :)

Have a good day, *wink*

First and Last...

Inspired by Princess Levian


Back when I was in primary school, most kids at my age got themselves the adorable little chicks in various colors as pet. The chick, in fact, had its own natural feathers color, but the vendors just tended to transform their appearance to make them look cuter and more attractive since there were the enormous relentless trend of the kids who are so desperated in having those lovely chicks as their companies :) I was one of those kids lol...

I remember the time I begged my dad to buy me a chick as I saw many other kids got ones, so why shoudn't I? ^ ^ It's the kid's nature, you know =| or perhaps only a kid like me lol... Well, in response to my constant pleading, I could eventually get one chubby cutie chick as my pet, and without any doubts, my chick was in PINK, of course ^ i named her Emilie :)

* I couldn't find any pics of chick in pink =(*

Emilie was my sweet heart, and she made me felt like I was a real mommy. I needed to take a great care of her, and fed her at regular time. I also had to clean up her bed where I placed the food, water, blanket, and pillow just like a real human being's baby. I also let her walked around my house, and I was more than pleased to clean everything up whenever she pooed at the wrong place, in the kitchen, in the living, or even in my bedroom. I made my promise to my dad to be in charge of everything related to Emilie, so yeah, good gal :P

When night came, I tugged Emilie in, but I had no idea why she kept moaning and crying :( I couldn't put myself to sleep at all with me hearing her crying non-stop like that, not because she was annoying me, but I was simply worried sick about her. My mom exclaimed how come I didn't get any another chicks to be with Emilie? She must be lonely or perhaps she missed her chicky friends? or even her mom, the real one? So the next day, I asked my dad to go and get another chicken in green to be Emilie's friend, but still, both of them still cried out loud over the night, and that made me feel guilty =|

Everything got a lot better for the next 2 days. I played with them, and to make it more stupid, I sprayed my sweet fruity fragrance on them to make them smell good, and kissable :-S It's silly, isn't it? =|

Time slips by, it'd been 5 days since I had adopted my pet. I loved them terribly, but, as always, the great moments didn't last for long T_T

The next morning of the 06th day, I was mourning holding the cold lifeless dead body of my first child, Emilie :( I could do nothing, but sobbing, and I even sobbed harder thinking about my great time spent with Emilie. Regardless the fact that she was with me in less than a week, but she left with such an indescribable fond longing in my heart, my first pet I'd ever had. What made her leave me, I really had no idea, cuz yesterday, I was playing with her as usual T_T

For those who don't know, don't know.... what it feels like to lose a beloved pet. Somehow, I really wondered how come animal could be so close to our hearts, and became a part of our lives... The unforgettable memories remain... Emilie rested in peace... Mommy never forget you, my very first and last pet...

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Barbie dedicated this touching poem to all the pet lovers who lost their beloved companies. This is NOT my poem, anyway :)

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Imperial Music Box

Inside this nicely designed blue package... hidden the amazing fairy tale songs and the enchanted music box selected by my adorable princess, Elena ^ ^ By the time, I am writing this down, I am also listening to the songs in my princess's imperial music CD ^ ^ I love all the song my princess got for me ^ ^ They sound pretty soothing to the ears, you know. Thank you so much, princess for this incredible music CD. Love them loads ^ ^ Elena dear? I'm glad to be your friend, and I'm proud of myself to treasure a great princess friend like you. PFF! Princess Friends Forever! Love Ya! *hug*

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Two Voices One Song

So rare to find a friend like you
Somehow when you're around the sky is always blue
The way we talk, the things you say
The way you make it all ok
And how you know all of my jokes
But you laughed anyway

If I could wish for one thing
I'd take the smile that you bring
Wherever you go in this world
I'll come along
Together we dream the same dream
Forever I'm here for you
You're here for me oohh
Two voices one song

lalaalaa laalaalaaa

If I could wish for one thing
I'd take the smile that you bring
Wherever you go in this world
I'll come along
Together we dream the same dream
Forever I'm here for you
You're here for me oohh
Two voices one song

And anywhere you are
You know I'll be around
And when you call my name
I'll listen for the sound...

If I could wish for one thing
I'd take the smile that you bring
Wherever you go in this world
I'll come along
Together we dream the same dream
Forever I'm here for you
You're here for me oohh
Two voices one song...

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Barbie dedicated this fairy tale song to you, to all my dear princess friends, and all the fairy tale believers. Enjoys :)

It's What Our Thoughts Make It

How many times you find yourself getting frustrated at stupid things? How many times you find yourself getting worried over nothing, but worries? If you consider this as the symtoms of losing sane, then must count me in, only if you get what I meant =)

Sometimes you told yourself to look beyond every imperfection that surfaces along your way, but most of the time, you can never do what you tell yourself to do. Isn't that ridiculous?

Life is slipping away unnoticed at the incredible speed =| Why would people need to worry this much and continuously giving threads upon life? Perhaps this is their nature? Answer can't be reached, you know why? If yes, let me know, but if no let just say people can be this complicated hard-to-understand creature sometimes, and I am one of them ^ ^

One basic truth of life that I used to read from the great philosophy book of mine, and yeah, regarding to my very own experience as well, let alone that I have merely existed in this world in less than 2 decades, but we all have unique experiences, something incomparable, something that can surprisingly differentiate who you are and who I am..., that our life is what our thoughts make it, no?

This is not neccessarily different from two people see the same glass filled with water as half full or half empty... =) Napoleon and Helen Keller is another perfect example. Apparently, Napoleon, the one who got everything that mankind always crave for, said he had never known the happy day of his life, while Helen Keller, a disabled misfortune person, blind and deaf, stated " I have found life so beautiful." See the differences now, Barbie? So to be radiantly contented or to filled my heart with heartaches, I'm the only person to decide it.

Hmm... I guess I need to remind myself over and over again ^ ^ cuz I always fail to remember this, and many other things, no need to mention here lol... Oh, btw, I wouldn't mind if you come over and say " Barbie? Honestly speaking, I don't really understand what you're trying to say here =3 ".

What is Your Heart Feeling?

+ Your heart certainly has some strong feelings, you're just not sure if you're ready to let them show. Strong feeling? Not ready to let it show? lol... I don't think so heh heh... You could be someone's secret admirer, or maybe you just haven't truly expressed how deep your feelings run. For now, not yet, but later on, who knows? Lol... Maybe you're still a little unsure about how you feel... or your unsure about what reaction you'll get. Hmm... well... lol... ^ ^

+ Deep down, your heart is susceptible to: Clamming up and running away from love Heh heh... perhaps you're rite? ^ ^

+ Your current outlook on love: Introspective and a bit detached This part also sounds rite lol...

+ Your love life will improve if you: Put yourself out there a little more. If you don't try, you'll never know. I consider this as a piece of advice? lol...

+ Watch out for: Having a one sided romance - you need to be sure you're feelings are reciprocated. Yeah, my previous entry can prove that this is rite, but hey, not one-sided romance in serious relationship, but romance in general lol...

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Take this quiz What is Your Heart Feeling?

Well, I gotta say that this quiz is not quite right cuz if you care to notice, you'll know that I am a PINK lover, so yeah, I would surely pick the pinky heart lol... just my personal conclusion though. Try it yourself, and see if your result sounds accurate or not? *wink* ^ ^

Thanks Princess Ellena for sharing this quiz *muack*